Hilser! (That's Norwegian for Greetings!)

My name is Aja, pronounced 'Asia', and I am 20 years old.
I've moved around a lot in my life but the place I have felt the most at home in is Anchorage, Alaska.
I am currently in Charlotte, North Carolina but will be moving back to Anchorage in April.

I am a Wonder Afficianado, self proclaimed Bohemian Gypsy Punk, Marijuana & LGBTQIA activist, Crafty Bitch, Hooper, Fire Performer, & Dancer.

I have been a practicing Asatru Pagan for a little over a year now. However I am still very new. I tend to get over whelmed by the shear amount of lore and material there is. Unfortunately heathenry doesn't have a book (like a Bible or Quran) that contains all the important, need to know information. On the upside, when I move back to Alaska I will be living with the 2 men who introduced me into Asatru Paganism. I'm looking forward to having them guide me through my conversion. They have a full functioning alter so I will finally be able to pray properly.

I have been diagnosed Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia and OCD Traits.
I'm hoping that I will be able to develop a strong spiritual connection with a God, Goddess, or even with just the entire religion.
I currently take a lot of medication and I am hoping to start adding in some spiritual & home remedies in hopes of lowering my doses.

wow this was a beautiful post, darling dear, welcome with open heart and open mind into this community!

Beauty in truth I suppose.
But thank you.

Welcome. Alaska seems like an amazing area. Glad to hear you'll be going back. It's on my list of places to visit. Such beautiful scenery. If God can be felt anywhere in nature, Alaska is a good place to look.

i've actually done a lot of reading, and found that spiritually open people and people who use natural remedies, are more likely to feel better and such. so seems like a good route to go on.

Alaska's beauty is indescribable. I believe it is one of the last places in the US that you would really feel nature breath and sing.

I'm not looking to heal my disorders with spirituality, but if I can feel just a little more at easy, a little more happy, and take a little less medication then it will be worth all the effort I plan to pour into it.

don't try to make anything perfect in the least, that's not what healing is about, healing is about feeling better, not getting rid of everything all together i do hope you feel better.

I'm looking for more of a place I can go to during emotional turmoil.

hm. have you tried meditation? (don't know if i missed that in your introductory statement)

As someone who shares a lot of the conditions you named (my list is: PTSD, Borderline, atypical depression - chronic, anxiety, body dysmorphia, OCD, occasional paranoia), I will say that having something to feel good about is such a relief. I meditate as often as I possibly can and try to just make time for myself in my own head. The OCD makes me crave ritual, and crafting is a healthy way to do that and feel like I'm part of something bigger while still getting my prayers out to the universe. The actions keep me calm and focused on something besides the bad feelings. No, I'm not well. I'm terrified of being well because I never have been. But when I need something to pick me up or be passionate about or dive into when I'm feeling low and wanting to do damage, using my energy for good helps.
People that don't have these problems can't understand. You don't want to be rescued or even save yourself. At least for me, and for a lot of people I know, there's some comfort in knowing what to expect from your own mind. If I get ridiculously happy, I know eventually I have to fall back down. I'd rather be stable. And that's what crafting lets me do - use my energy to stay stable at best.

maybeimmorbid wrote:As someone who shares a lot of the conditions you named (my list is: PTSD, Borderline, atypical depression - chronic, anxiety, body dysmorphia, OCD, occasional paranoia), I will say that having something to feel good about is such a relief. I meditate as often as I possibly can and try to just make time for myself in my own head. The OCD makes me crave ritual, and crafting is a healthy way to do that and feel like I'm part of something bigger while still getting my prayers out to the universe. The actions keep me calm and focused on something besides the bad feelings. No, I'm not well. I'm terrified of being well because I never have been. But when I need something to pick me up or be passionate about or dive into when I'm feeling low and wanting to do damage, using my energy for good helps.
People that don't have these problems can't understand. You don't want to be rescued or even save yourself. At least for me, and for a lot of people I know, there's some comfort in knowing what to expect from your own mind. If I get ridiculously happy, I know eventually I have to fall back down. I'd rather be stable. And that's what crafting lets me do - use my energy to stay stable at best.

i go through major bouts of PTSD and depression, and i've found meditation to be a big ringer for me on relaxation, also, scented candles, and a lot of lavender.

NakaliRivers wrote:
i go through major bouts of PTSD and depression, and i've found meditation to be a big ringer for me on relaxation, also, scented candles, and a lot of lavender.

I forgot to mention I dissociate. So my PTSD isn't so awful yet. I was waking up screaming, reliving the rape. I've numbed myself to it. It's mostly the BPD now. I have a short fuse. I'm easily hurt and offended, and when I feel like I may have done something wrong to deserve anything bad that happens, I have to fight the urge to self-punish. Relaxation doesn't help in that state. It's about doing something, getting the energy out. Adrenaline rushes can do it. Astral travel works sometimes. Anything to exhaust me to the point that when I come out of the angry phase and I'm sad, I'm too tired to get that angry again and risk hurting myself in a second wind. If I keep myself busy in my studies or practice, it takes me longer to snap.

maybeimmorbid wrote:

NakaliRivers wrote:
i go through major bouts of PTSD and depression, and i've found meditation to be a big ringer for me on relaxation, also, scented candles, and a lot of lavender.

I forgot to mention I dissociate. So my PTSD isn't so awful yet. I was waking up screaming, reliving the rape. I've numbed myself to it. It's mostly the BPD now. I have a short fuse. I'm easily hurt and offended, and when I feel like I may have done something wrong to deserve anything bad that happens, I have to fight the urge to self-punish. Relaxation doesn't help in that state. It's about doing something, getting the energy out. Adrenaline rushes can do it. Astral travel works sometimes. Anything to exhaust me to the point that when I come out of the angry phase and I'm sad, I'm too tired to get that angry again and risk hurting myself in a second wind. If I keep myself busy in my studies or practice, it takes me longer to snap.

getting rid of the energy is a good idea, but not through astral projection, you can exhaust yourself to a dangerous level if you're not careful. however, i do support the idea of doing it to get rid of the pent of energy and avoid hurting yourself.

I know my limits. I know my body and soul, and I do just fine. Sometimes getting out of my body is what I need. I have a temple in my mind where I trot off to and cool down. If you don't have Borderline, you can't understand the sheer amount of energy you get in a rage. It isn't just being mad like normal people do. It's aggressive and self-destructive and impulsive. It's a dangerous time to be IN my body, and so I mediate and let myself disappear until I feel my body calm. I've been doing the same thing for, what, 9 years now? I know what I'm doing, fear not.

i'm not telling you NOT to, just giving my motherly cautions that i normally do lol. hard habits to break, good to know you found something that really works

You sound just absolutely beautiful and wonderful, I enjoy your name.

Blessed Be )0(

I have tried meditation, and it has worked in the past. But I'm looking for something more meaning full, if that makes sense. I want that connection with the Gods and Goddess and Nature, that I just wasn't getting before. I want that feeling of protection and understanding.

@Wonderland:
Thank you :3 I enjoy my name too. I was named after Aja by Steely Dan.

It is great to feel connected to something bigger. Spirit animals and patron gods take away the "Are you there, God? It's me, K" feeling. Of course I don't know whether that ties into your beliefs. It's just something that I love about Paganism - sacred temples, mediums for energy manifestation and prayer, lions and spiritual guardians and patron gods, oh my.
I do hope you find what you're looking for. I can't tell you how to get there, but you'll know. Just open your mind and study, and everything will fall into place when you know what to wait for and how to recognize it.
I don't know much about Asatru, aside from what mythology had taught me in high school regarding Nordic beliefs. But I'm sure finding God there won't be difficult. And whatever God may actually be, It takes care of us.

I've always really liked Paganism as a whole. Being with nature and respecting everyone one and thing. The 9 noble virtues* sort of just clicked for me and I knew I wanted to learn more about this form of Paganism. The culture and history of Vikings just feels right.


(* Courage, Truth, Honor, Fidelity, Discipline, Hospitality, Industriousness, Self-Reliance, and Perseverance.)